"Trauma Changes You"

I moved out when I was 15 years old mistakenly with an 18 year old. I moved out so young because at the time my parents were going through a divorce and the environment I was living in was not healthy. My entire life, I have been bullied by my step father and kids at school. My step father was very controlling, anytime I wore shorts I was called every name in the book. My entire childhood was mental abuse, emotional abuse and sexual harassment. I have attempted suicide 6 times, I struggled with depression and still do. I had to grow up too fast, I had to learn to take care of myself as well as my brothers. 

 Before I finally moved out of my mother's house, her boyfriend at the time sexually assaulted me while my little brother was sleeping in the next room and my mom was out doing drugs. My uncles would make comments on my body and harass me. Everytime I would bring it up to anyone I was called a liar.


I was together with my abuser for 4 years, there were a lot of red flags that I ignored the first year of our relationship. He worked the night shift so I was not allowed to sleep until he got home at 6am. During our relationship I was actively in school, at one point I held 3 jobs because he quit his job. All of the money I made went into his account and I did not have access to it. One night he got angry and assumed I cheated on him, while I was in the shower he looked through my cell phone. He found a picture of my middle school best friend, he took my phone away from me, called me names and proceeded to text my best friend. He is an African American male, so my abuser was being very racist towards him. That night was when I realized he is mentally and emotionally abusive. He got so upset that night he hung himself, he looked at me and said “this is all your fault.” I was so scared, I picked him up and took him down. When he gained consciousness he asked me why I took him down. I thought that maybe he would be a little bit more calm. He blocked me in the room and said that I wasn't leaving. He spit in my face anytime I tried to leave the room, I grabbed the closest object which was a knife. I told him that if he didnt let me leave then I was going to use the knife. He finally let me leave after 30 minutes of going back and fourth. I left the house with no shoes, no jacket and in a shirt and shorts, this was during the winter. My aunt and cousin lived down the road from our house. When I got to my aunts house, my abuser called me and asked why I was cheating on him with my cousin. He stated that I was there everyday after work. It was my safe space. 


2 years into our relationship, we moved to Mississippi with his best friend to help start their family business. I dropped out of highschool to be with him. The first time I was drugged, we were in Mississippi for about 2 months. I felt like everything around me was a hallucination, I panicked and seeked comfort. Him and his best friend laughed while I was laying on the bed panicking. I passed out from hyperventilating and laid there unconscious. This happened very frequently while living in Mississippi, he was buying pills and crushing them up. We came back to Idaho to live with his sister and brother in law. Everything seemed to be back to normal, he was loving on me like he never had before. I thought that he had realized what he was doing and was trying to be better. I got into a great school and was excelling, I had great friends and supportive teachers. I was very much wrong, my body was giving me signs to leave. I developed an eating disorder, my depression was skyrocking and the isolation was getting worse.

Anytime I tried to run I had nowhere to run. No family, no friends I could stay with, absolutely nothing because of him. I dropped out of school and quit my job because my depression was getting so bad. I slept for day and days on end, didn't eat for weeks and felt like I was just rotting in my bed. When I seeked comfort from him, he would get angry, my feelings didn't matter and it was always “you need to grow up and stop being a little b****” From that day I never went to him about any emotions or problems I was having. I met a female that related to me, she was my safe person to talk about everything. He found out about her, said that I was a cheater once again and told me I was not allowed to have friends. I wanted change, I needed it! I lost so much weight I was 75 pounds at the age of 17. I was required to go to the doctor every 2 weeks because I was losing so much weight. There was no support from him. It was always something negative. I secretly went and hung out with a friend one night after work, I needed someone to talk to outside of work. I craved having a friend. I turned off my location because I didn't want him to find me, I didn't want him near me. He didn't know that I wasn't coming home that night, so I packed a bag and took it to work. He found out where I was based off the IP address on my phone. When I came home that next day, he was in a great mood, it caught me off guard. He looked at me and said “I want to show you something I found.” We went 30 minutes out of town, I knew exactly where we were going when we got on the freeway. He had pulled into the friend's house I was at the night before. This house didn't have any neighbors so it was slightly secluded.   He asked why I was at that house and why I didn't tell him. I was so scared I didn't say anything, I knew anything I said was going to anger him. He lit a cigar, looked at me and said “this is how you make me feel.” He burned his arm 6 times and each burn was a reason why he hated me. When he was finished burning himself, he got close to my face and just screamed “I f***ing hate you” I curled up into a ball and cried. He got out, went to the house and punched in 2 windows. I ran out of the car and tried to stop him. I got to the first window when he turned around and started coming to me, the look in his eyes were so scary, I felt stuck. I couldn't move, I couldn't speak, I couldn't do anything. He arms reach to  me, balled up his fist and punched me in the face as hard as he could. I blacked out and fell into the mud. My cheek bone was bruised, my teeth went into my bottom lip and my right eye was black. I got up and tried to walk away, he grabbed me by my hair and attempted to drag me away from the car. I bit him to get him to let go of my hair. The person that lived in the house was parked at the end of the driveway and saw everything, they ended up calling the police. I had to work that same day so when I got to work there were cops looking for me. I was scared to show my face. At the time I didn't want to do anything, I just wanted to be left alone. I told my manager that I didn't want to talk to the police and needed to go home. She ended up taking me home but the police were there waiting for me. I made a report, they took pictures and asked if I wanted to press charges. I told the officer that I didn't want to do that and need to be left alone.  

Shortly after the last incident, he made me move with him to Arkansas. I didn't want to be there with him. I was terrified of him. We stayed with his parents while in Arkansas, his mother would call me names and told me that if I didn't clean her house everyday then I would be living on the streets. When I found out that I was 6 weeks pregnant, his mother was not happy and put in his head that the child I was growing was not his. One day, she asked me to clean the dishes in the sink, I told her no because I wasn't a maid and would not clean up after people. Knowing that I was 6 weeks pregnant with her grandchild, she kicked me out. For 4 months of my pregnancy I was sleeping in parking lots, cars or couch surfing. After saving for months, we finally found a place. Things were starting to be okay, he worked the night shift as a correctional officer so I had time away from him. Since I was 17 and out of my hometown I couldn't get medicaid to see an OB for my pregnancy. I didn't see a doctor until I was 9 months pregnant. I finally got a job to start saving money for stuff for my son's arrival. When I started showing, he would look at me and tell me that I was fat and disgusting. When my son moved for the first time I asked him if he wanted to feel how crazy it felt. He responded with “no that is disgusting why would I want to feel that” He wouldn't touch me, cuddle me, love me, nothing. I was very much alone in this pregnancy and felt so disgusting. He would throw things at my stomach and attempt to hurt my son. We went to a work Christmas party, I dressed comfortably because I was 8 months pregnant. When I came out in the outfit I was wearing he told me I wouldn't wear that. He made me wear a very small tank top that was basically a crop top on me so it was showing half of my pregnant belly. I wasn't allowed to wear any makeup. If I did he would ask “who are you trying to look good for” 

When I finally made the decision of leaving I called my father who lived 5 hours away from where I was at. My father told me that he didn't want a knocked up 17 year old living with him. I called so many family members and friends to ask for help but none of them could because they were 28 hours away from me. The last call I made was my aunt who was in Texas so she was only 5 hours away. That night I found out he was cheating on me with an inmate at the facility he was working at. He refused to help me pack so I picked up things I should not have while being pregnant. When my aunt pulled into the driveway, he called a marriage counselor and tried to guilt trip me into not leaving.  If it wasn't for my aunt basically pushing me out of the door, I would've believed his apology and stayed. 


 I came back to Idaho and started my life over again. That was the biggest challenge I ever had to face. I was a single mother, put myself back into high school and worked full time. I got my license at 18, got promoted at work, got my own car and finally got my own apartment. I struggled the grieving process, I thought about him for 2 years after I left him. I didn't like the new environment I was in, it was new and different. I didn't realize it was abuse until I left him. I thought it was all normal, I was used to it from childhood. I work for the Domestic Violence Council because I am a survivor of domestic violence. I know how hard it is to start over and not have anyone to lean on for support. I love being an advocate because I am helping these women heal, grieve and grow. The end result is beautiful and amazing. Trauma is trauma and it changes you. Healing from trauma takes time. It took me nearly 4 years to heal and have a voice.

"He Was The Perfect Guy"

October 29, 2025
My Story The ECDVC has helped many people in Elmore County, and the surrounding areas. I hold this organization close to my heart, because in 2024 my children and I became clients. In 2018 I met my husband, in the Army. He was the perfect guy, sweet, kind, and funny. We moved in together and everything was great, for a while. I saw the early signs of financial abuse in 2022, he quit his job to become a stay at home dad, and I was the only one working. I didn't mind it at first, honestly it was a great idea, reduced daycare costs, and we knew our kids would be safe, until he started yelling at me for spending the money I was working hard to make. If I spent too much on groceries, I got in trouble. If I bought a coffee, I was the reason that we didn't have financial stability, all while he was using the money I made to facilitate his porn addiction and cheating habit. In June of 2024 my husband of five years became someone I no longer knew. He began offering me for other men to use, in exchange for money, and when I would refuse, he would physically abuse me. I didn't know what to do or who to turn to, I was scared for the lives of not only myself, but my two children, both under the age of 5. He also had become financially abusive, and began stalking me after I fled from him for my safety, as well as the safety of my children. At the time, I had a couple of friends working for the ECDVC, but didn't know anything about it until my pastor at church directed me there to get help. The ECDVC helped me to not only leave my current situation, by providing me a safe housing arrangement, but also helped me to file a protective order, and file my divorce. All services provided to me at the time were free of charge. There are many forms of domestic violence that people don't often think about; financial abuse, emotional abuse, technological abuse, and abuse by immigration status. Financial abuse is described as "any behavior that maintains power and control over finances.", examples of financial abuse include; causing physical harm or injury that would prevent the person from working, or controlling a partner's financial assets, or putting them on an allowance. Emotional abuse is defined as a pattern of behavior that subjects another person to non-physical acts that harm mental well-being or the overall ability to function. Emotional abuse can look many ways, some of the most common are; name calling, insulting, stalking, intimidation, and isolation. Technological abuse includes using technology of any form to stalk and or control another person, while technological abuse is most common in unmonitored teens, it can also be found in adults. Examples of technological abuse include; a partner demanding to know the others passwords, and lock codes, to monitoring social media communications, even extreme as using a tracking device to monitor location, calls and texts. Abuse by immigration status is often found is sex trafficking but can be seen in partnerships. In a partnership abuse by immigration status can be a partner destroying the other's immigration documents, or even threatening to have the immigrant partner deported. Not all abuse looks the same, listed above are very few examples. "In the wrong hands, love is a powerful weapon of exploitation.", this statement rings true, as many would give a lot to be loved. The Hero's for Elmore County Domestic Violence Victims It takes a special type of person to be able to work for the ECDVC, many of the men, and women that work there are survivors of domestic violence themselves. As of 2023, the ECDVC had only 14 employees! "I work for the Domestic Violence Council because I am a survivor of domestic violence. I know how hard it is to start over and not have anyone to lean on for support. I love being an advocate because I am helping these women heal, grieve and grow. The end result is beautiful and amazing. Trauma is trauma and it changes you. Healing from trauma takes time. It took me nearly 4 years to heal and have a voice." stated Kaceey, a former ECDVC case manager. Most feel that the trauma they experienced helps them relate to their clients on a personal level and helps them to personalize the care they provide. What Does the ECDVC Do? There are many services provided by the ECDVC to help facilitate a safe environment for victims, and help them recover from their experience. "The ECDVC has a safe housing facility at a location that very few know about, really, only the victims that live there and the employees of the ECDVC" states an interviewee that requested to be unnamed. They also provide numerous avenues to safely access legal help, for a reduced fee, or sometimes even free. If someone is unsure if their living situation can be qualified as domestic violence, they also offer resources online to see if you qualify. Not only does the ECDVC provide avenues of escape and emergency shelter, they also provide services for after the victim is free. They offer job services, and education assistance. If a person doesn't have online access, they also have a phone number you can contact to speak with a case manager, or client advocate locally. In conclusion, the Elmore County Domestic Violence Council is a great resource for men, women, and children who are victims of domestic violence. With discrete contact methods, and resources to safely remove a victim from an unsafe situation, the ECDVC is an organization that provides a lot for the community. The dedicated team at the ECDVC has devoted their life to helping the people of Elmore County and surrounding areas. The ECDVC is an organization that has saved and changed the lives of many in our small community. With each person helped, hope is restored just a little bit more. -Jordan Valdez

"He didn’t abuse me physically but mentally he knew how to control me"

By Jeffrey Smith • January 23, 2024
Growing up as an only child I was pretty independent at 16 had my first job had my own car was paying my own bills. I was still living at home, but I was making my own money, at 18 I was in college living on my own paying my own way through college where I got to the point I was very independent and very secure of myself. I thought I could conquer the world. I was going to become a nurse work for five years and then get married. That was my plan. I was barely getting through my second year of college when I met him. It was love at first sight so I thought. He was great during dating, he let me believe he was a perfect man, loving and honest. He always made me feel special, and I thought he was the man for me. We only dated for six months, and then we got married. I thought I had the perfect man. I thought I was making the right choice until our wedding day. That was the first time that he showed his true colors. He had walked away to talk to the people from the band and told me to wait at that moment, my friends came up to me and Wanted me to dance the Macarena with them I didn’t see anything wrong with that so I went when I came back to him. He was so mad telling me why did you leave? I told you to wait here!!! He took me by surprise but I thought it was the stress of the wedding since we paid the majority on our own. We had some issues starting normal arguments as any couple does. I didn’t realize that dancing with my cousins at family gatherings would be a big deal but to him, it was a big deal as the years went by, and realized that I was losing myself to him because everything seemed to be all about him where we went, what we did, we never did anything I wanted anytime I planned something like going to my five-year graduation reunion we ended up in an argument and didn’t go and that seems to be the case with my plans so many times that I gave up and we would do whatever he wanted. Don’t get me wrong I loved going to the car shows, rodeo, off-roading, going to the lake, and camping I think those were the closest things we did as a family but there had to be other families with us he never did anything with just us. By the time our kids came, I was the one taking the kids to the park, to the library, the pool, and school activities trying to spend time with them as much as possible he was always too busy working, or with his friends. I can’t remember the last time I did something for myself it just seemed like every time I wanted to it was an argument ready to happen it even got to the point that he made me feel worthless, ugly, and incompetent and I think I just didn’t want to argue so I avoided doing things for myself and stopped going out to eat or even meet up with my friends so much that I made excuses on why I couldn’t go and eventually they stopped inviting me. I pretty much did everything he said, I didn’t realize it but people around me would mention it but I would defend him and say that I wanted to do it and that he didn’t force me. It wasn’t till after the separation that I realized I had lost all my friends that I had made my world all about him. He knew how to talk in ways that made me feel guilty of doing things I wanted to do for myself He made me feel like I couldn’t do anything for myself and that I was nothing without him, he belittled me and made my esteem go way down. I believed I was nothing without him. He didn’t abuse me physically but mentally he knew how to control me and I thought it was normal. I thought I was the same person I always was I didn’t realize I wasn’t me anymore. I was scared to tell him when I did something wrong when I used money for something or I messed up on the bank account and the numbers didn’t add up that I would try to fix them on my own to avoid his anger to avoid his comments and all this time I thought it was my fault and now, after being separated six years, I come to realize I did nothing wrong. I was being a supportive wife I was being a mother, I was trying to be there for him but doing so I’m scared that I did wrong with my kids, unfortunately, I learned the kind of person he was towards my family stuff I wish I would of known then that maybe would of opened my eyes I now know that instead of helping them by staying together now I know that wasn’t the right choice. It’s been 6 years since the separation and I am barely putting myself together after 22 years of marriage I still don’t love myself because he did a number on my self-esteem but at least I know I can do it on my own and I know I have family and friends who are still there to help and support me and I do know that I will get there with God by my side I will get where I need to be. -Fabiola Romero

"I found out his brother sexually assaulted my 15 year old niece"

January 18, 2024
I am a tribal member who has been under surveillance and domestic abuse by my husband for several years I've tried to leave. I filed for divorce after I found out his brother sexually assaulted my 15-year-old niece and got a restraining order. The housing authority got my husband a lawyer and prevented a restraining order from being in place. I have all the documents to prove these allegations. The domestic violence agency is directed by my abuser's aunt who has prevented me from obtaining any help for me and my children. We were displaced by lawyers and housing in June. Me and my children are homeless because of what my husband's brother did to my niece. Government agencies such as housing and domestic violence programs have aided my abuser with the legal process to displace and continue to abuse me, my children, and my animals. My animals were killed and horses were hidden from me along with all my property and children's belongings. - Anonymous

"People get uncomfortable when me, a guy would talk about it"

January 18, 2024
I am a father and what scared me the most was I needed to record years of violence and verbal abuse from my partner for protection.I was committed and love her but was very unhappy. Obviously she was to. It was so abusive I wasn't able to speak. I mean at all. She would hit and belittle me Daily for hours. Loser. Piece of sh*t. Deadbeat. Checked out. Disengaged. Buzzwords to get strangers not knowing the situation to be on her side. She did not work. And I paid rent and watched my kid every second I wasn't working. She could go wherever she wanted always and would take the car from me when we would break up. Take my phone and wallet as well and accidentally lose my debit card. Twice. I'd walk away and leave plenty followed by her comment "Yeah walk away you little b-_+$". She would cheat and come home and beat me and call me the cheater. She monitored my Facebook and phone. Would get mad if I talked with anyone including my own family. She beat me when I had a medical emergency and cried about it one time. She hit me. Really your face? I have a bad heart. I had a legit health scare and got her heart checked. It was fine. She made everything about her. Constantly. And I sat quiet and was fine with it. She left and beat me recently and I had to call the cops. She destroyed my house when I was at work and was making messes and taking pics. Her friend I remember saying "yeah I got custody of my kid by going in Daddy's house when he was at work and create messes and take pics. She did my son's toast one morning and placed the butter knife on a off stove burner and took a pic. Threw cloths everywhere and took pictures of her own drugs while in my house. I'm sober. She knew I didn't condone drug use. She would use hard drugs and go on binges when we would split. She consumed alcohol. I didn't want to report it and felt I couldn't. People get uncomfortable when me a guy would talk about it or even show videos of her hitting. Her mom would condone it and only get upset when I told others about it. Or when I finally Called the police. She would leave me at the house for weeks on end with our son which was fine but she would come home beat me and scream "I don't want her" and this was my fault and many other names. As she would hit me she would say "record it b*tch record it". "Call the cops". "They will side with me Everytime." All I do is work and provide for my family and she would lie to others and say I left her kicked her out and am cheating when she willingly left me and very obviously didn't like me. Which was fine. She would get mad when she would come into my work and I would be talking with co workers. Small talk. She said "don't talk to those pieces of sh*t." I clarified. "You want me to go into work and be silent and not say a word to them?" She said "yes they are pieces of sh*t." She secluded me from my friends and family and would laugh about how I had no one. Her mom would see videos of me being hit and she'd like twitch, sec and walk away. She never did anything wrong in her eyes and it wasn't fun knowing I was in the most abusive relationship I knew. She kept me around to watch our kid and have me as a backup in case her ventures didn't work out. She would threaten to take our son away if I said anything to anyone or call the cops. I got a protection order because after I reported her she was making things up out of thin air to harass me more and try to save face. I'm not perfect but I didn't even raise my violence or show any signs of hostility or unhappiness. I wasn't aloud to. She would hit on guys right in front of me and I never said a word. I had no say in the relationship and had to do everything her way. Even with video she would outright lie and could never take responsibility for her actions. Since I reported it she has not brought my son back to his house where his room is because she does anything to hurt me. I was okay with her leaving she was seeing someone else I kept quiet but she still would return at random hours of the night wake me up and beat me. It is something that will stick with me a very long time. Me being at work was "going to go check out at work" I tended to her constantly and had no free time. Cleaned the house constantly after she would destroy it. Holes in the door. Her mom and her bad friend who not allowed in my house would all hang up and lie even with my videos. I never touched her and the worst responds she would get from me was me leaving for a walk. It is petrafing that all I've done is try for my family and she could beat me and feel that she could get away with it because i was a guy and she's a girl. She had high testosterone and was highly manipulative and abusive in everyway to me and I felt I had an obligation to my family to stick through it and see if things got better. When we finally got a place in my name I wasn't at her mercy of beating me and kicking me out anymore so I finally called the police. And the lies still continue and they think she is now on is that I stole from her. She pawned my stuff and put my card into -20 because I supported the family. I'd go to The room after her rages and say "dont worry bubby, dads ok moms just upset." Hi, five. And he would smile and I would tuck him in. For 9 years i gladly supported my son and my worst fear happened when I reported the abuse. Her mom and her took our son away from his home. because they are trying to paint me as a danger because she refuses to work and now will want to use me even afterward for money. Being a guy with a lady who thinks she can do whatever she wants to me and make up straight lies is scary. I never want to be in private with her again. I want facts. She also waited out back and threatened to slice my co-worker. Over talking. She says do not contact people in my life. That's a double-edged sword to make it sound like I'm contacting people I shouldn't and to also scared me into not talking with anyone about it. She threatened to kill me. She scares me to the core. No anger. My anxiety and fear come out when she starts being abusive. And it's constantly. I'm hoping the courts support and help me get through this. I want her to be happy. I've let her do whatever she wants and she still doesn't stop the abuse. -Matthew Miller