There is no one typical, detectable personality of an abuser. However, they do often display common characteristics. 

An abuser often denies the existence or minimizes the seriousness of the violence and its effect on the victim and other family members.

An abuser objectifies the victim and often sees them as their property or sexual objects.

An abuser has low self-esteem and feels powerless and ineffective in the world. He or she may appear successful, but internally, they feel inadequate.

An abuser externalizes the causes of their behavior. They blame their violence on circumstances such as stress, their partner's behavior, a "bad day," on alcohol, drugs, or other factors.

An abuser may be pleasant and charming between periods of violence and is often seen as a "nice person" to others outside the relationship. 

Red flags and warning signs of an abuser include but are not limited to:

Extreme jealousy

Possessiveness

Unpredictability

A bad temper

Cruelty to animals

Verbal abuse

Extremely controlling behavior

Antiquated beliefs about roles of women and men in relationships

Forced sex or disregard of their partner's unwillingness to have sex

Sabotage of birth control methods or refusal to honor agreed upon methods

Blaming the victim for anything bad that happens

Sabotage or obstruction of the victim's ability to work or attend school

Controls all the finances

Abuse of other family members, children or pets

Accusations of the victim flirting with others or having an affair

Control of what the victim wears and how they act

Demeaning the victim either privately or publicly

Embarrassment or humiliation of the victim in front of others

Harassment of the victim at work

Domestic violence affects all aspects of a victim's life. When abuse victims are able to safely escape and remain free from their abuser, they often survive with long-lasting and sometimes permanent effects to their mental and physical health; relationships with friends, family, and children; their career; and their economic well-being.

Victims of domestic violence experience an array of emotions and feelings from the abuse inflicted upon them by their abuser, both within and following the relationship. They may also resort to extremes in an effort to cope with the abuse. Victims of domestic violence may: 

Want the abuse to end, but not the relationship

Feel isolated

Feel depressed

Feel helpless

Be unaware of what services are available to help them

Be embarrassed of their situation

Fear judgement or stigmatization if their reveal the abuse

Deny or minimize the abuse or make excuses for the abuser

Still love their abuser

Withdraw emotionally

Distance themselves from family or friends

Be impulsive or aggressive

Feel financially dependent on their abuser

Feel guilt related to the relationship

Feel shame

Have anxiety

Have suicidal thoughts

Abuse alcohol or drugs

Be hopeful that their abuser will change and/or stop the abuse

Have religious, cultural, or other beliefs that reinforce staying in the relationship

Have no support from friends of family

Fear cultural, community, or societal backlash that may hinder escape or support

Feel like they have nowhere to go or no ability to get away

Fear they will not be able to support themselves after they escape the abuser

Have children in common with their abuser and fear for their safety if the victim leaves

Have pets or other animals they don't want to leave

Be distrustful of local law enforcement, courts, or other systems if the abuse is revealed

Have had unsupportive experiences with friends, family, employers, law enforcement, courts, child protective services, etc. and believe they won't get help if they leave or fear retribution if they do (e.g. they fear losing custody of their children to the abuser)

These are among the many reasons victims of domestic violence either choose to stay in abusive relationships or feel they are unable to leave. 

Every relationship differs, but what is most common within all abusive relationships is the varying tactics used by abusers to gain and maintain power and control over the victim. Nearly three in ten women and one in ten men in the United States have experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner (or former partner) and reported at least one impact related to experiencing these or other forms of violence behavior in the relationship (e.g. feeling fearful, concern for safety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), need for health care, injury, crisis support, need for housing services, need for victim advocacy series, need for legal services, missed work or school). 

Physical and sexual assaults, or threats to commit them, are the most apparent forms of domestic violence and are usually the actions that make others aware of the problem. However, regular use of other abusive behaviors by the abuser, when reinforced by one or more acts of physical violence, make up a larger scope of abuse. Although physical assaults may occur only occasionally, they instill fear of future violent attacks and allow the abuser to control the victim's life and circumstances. 

We understand that involving law enforcement and prosecutors can be difficult and scary. We are here to let you know that it doesn’t have to be that way. We will let you know about all your rights and options so that you can make the decisions that best meet your individual needs. If that involves law enforcement and prosecutors to begin the criminal legal process, they are ready and willing to support you.

During an incident:

Speak clearly and give your location.

After the police arrive and they have secured the area and taken your information, get the names and badge numbers of the officers you talked to. If they have business cards, get those.

Ask questions about what is going to happen next.

If there was an arrest, ask if they will notify you when the defendant bonds out of jail. Get the jail phone number so you can find this out yourself too.

If the defendant is at large, ask if they are they going to notify you when he is arrested.

Ask if they can facilitate you going into a safehouse.

Ask if there is an advocate from the police department who will follow up with you and offer services and referrals.

Ask if you are you required to appear in court for the defendant's arraignment. Some jurisdictions with fast-track domestic violence protocols require that you be present.

Write down all information given to you by the officers. Ask for copies of any pictures they take or any reports of the incident.

Safety Plans to Download (it is safer for her to download information from someone else’s computer, e.g., at a library).

From the American Bar Association: http://www.abanet.org/tips/publicservice/DVENG.pdf

From the National Domestic Violence Hotline: http://www.ndvh.org/?get-help/safety-planning (click on Get Help, and then on Safety Planning).

Internet Safety and other information from the 

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence: or from the National Network to End Domestic 

Violence: http://nnedv.org/projects/safetynet.html.

Stalking Resources

See Internet Safety URLs above

Stalking Resource Center: http://www.ncvc.org/src/Main.aspx or 1-800- FYI-CALL or email gethelp@ncvc.

Some Helpful Books

Elaine Weissman (2004). Family and Friends’ Guide to Domestic Violence. Volcano Press: Phone: (800) 879-9636; Internet: sales@volcanopress.com. 

Lundy Bancroft (2002). Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men G.P. Putnam’s Sons, NY. Price: 

Ann Jones and Susan Schechter(1992). When Love Goes Wrong: What to Do When You Can’t Do Anything Right. Harper Collins Publishers, NY. 

Beth Wilson with Mo Therese Hannah (2009). He’s Just No Good for You: A Guide to Getting Out of a Destructive Relationship. GPP Life, Guilford, CT. Internet: www.GlobePequot.com. 

Lundy Bancroft and Jay G. Silverman (2002). The Batterer as Parent: Addressing the Impact of Domestic Violence on Family Dynamics. Sage Publications. 

The holiday season is a time designed to bring out the best in people: many of us strive to be more emotionally charitable at family and social gatherings, or financially charitable toward our favorite organizations and causes. Being our best selves can come as a challenge for even the most well-intentioned, given that the holiday season is so busy and potentially stressful. 

However, for domestic violence survivors, the holiday season brings with it far more stressors than for most, as the should-be joyful time sees surges in domestic violence rates and incidents. Understanding the factors contributing to this is crucial for prevention and intervention efforts. Here’s why domestic violence during the holidays is a serious problem — and how you can help by being the best version of yourself this season.

Factors That Can Exacerbate Abuse During the Holidays

Financial Stress

One of the most significant contributors to the rise in domestic violence during the holidays is financial stress. The pressure to buy gifts, host gatherings, and meet societal expectations can strain household budgets. This financial burden often exacerbates existing tensions within relationships, making it a trigger for violent behavior.

Emotional and Psychological Factors

The holidays can also be emotionally taxing. The expectation to maintain a cheerful demeanor, coupled with the stress of family interactions, can lead to heightened emotions. For those already in volatile relationships, these emotional triggers can escalate conflicts into physical violence.

Increased Alcohol Consumption

The holiday season is often accompanied by increased alcohol consumption, which is a well-known risk factor for domestic violence. Alcohol can impair judgment and lower inhibitions, making it easier for underlying tensions to erupt into physical confrontations.

Limited Access to Support Services

During the holidays, many support services like shelters and hotlines may have reduced hours or may be understaffed. This can make it more challenging for victims to seek help or escape abusive situations.

The Role of Family Dynamics

Family gatherings can sometimes act as a catalyst for domestic violence. The presence of extended family can either inhibit or provoke violent behavior. In some cases, family members may even normalize or trivialize the abuse, making it difficult for victims to speak out.

The Illusion of Togetherness

The societal emphasis on family and togetherness during the holidays can also be a contributing factor. Victims may be more reluctant to leave or report their abusers during this time, fearing they’ll ruin the holidays for their children and others with whom they normally observe the holidays.

How You Can Help

You can help survivors of domestic violence by connecting them with resources in your area or supporting a local nonprofit that provides related services. You can do this by:

•   Making a donation

•   Volunteering your time, expertise, or assets

•   Donating “wish list” items

•   Joining a board of directors

Give Abuse Survivors a Brighter Holiday Season 

https://www.cawc.org/news/why-domestic-violence-increases-during-the-holiday-season/#:~:text=The%20holiday%20season%20is%20often,to%20erupt%20into%20physical%20confrontations.

Did your partner grow up in a violent family?

Does your partner tend to use force of violence to "solve" their problems?

Does your partner have a quick temper? Do they over-react to little problems and frustration? Are they cruel to animals? Do they punch walls or throw things when they are upset?

Do they abuse alcohol or other drugs?

Do they have strong traditional ideas about "roles" in relationships? For example, do they think all women should stay at home, take care of their husbands, and follow their wishes and orders?

Are they jealous of your other relationships -- anyone you may know? Do they keep tabs on you? 

Do they want to know where you are at all times? 

Do they want you with them all of the time? 

Do they have access to guns, knives or other lethal weapons? Do they talk of using them against people or threaten to use them to get even?

Do they expect you to follow their orders or advice? Do they become angry if you do not fulfill their wishes or if you cannot anticipate what they want?

Do they go through extreme highs and lows almost as though they are two different people? Are they extremely kind one time, and extremely cruel another?

When your partner gets angry, do you fear them? 

Do you find that not making them angry has become a major part of your life? Do you do what they want you to do, rather than what you want to do?

Do they treat you roughly? Do they physically force you to do what you do not want to do?

Do they threaten or abuse your pets?

Do you ...

Sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act?

Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner's behavior?

Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself?

Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?

Feel like no matter what you do, your partner is never happy with you?

Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?

Stay with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up?

Without help, the abuse will continue.

The fear that the abuser's actions will become more violent and may become lethal if the victim attempts to leave.

Unsupportive friends and family

Knowledge of the difficulties of single parenting and reduced financial circumstances

The victim feeling that the relationship is a mix of good times, love and hope along with the 

manipulation, intimidation and fear.

The victim's lack of knowledge of or access to safety and support

Fear of losing custody of any children if they leave or divorce their abuser or fear the abuser will hurt, or even kill, their children

Lack of means to support themselves and/or their children financially or lack of access to cash, bank accounts, or assets

Lack of having somewhere to go (e.g. no friends or family to help, no money for hotel, shelter programs are full or limited by length of stay)

Fear that homelessness may be their only option if 

they leave

Religious or cultural beliefs and practices may not support divorce or may dictate outdated gender roles and keep the victim trapped in the relationship

Belief that two parent households are better for children, despite abuse

A victim's fear of being charged with desertion, losing custody of children, or joint assets.

Anxiety about a decline in living standards for themselves and their children

Reinforcement of clergy and secular counselors of "saving" a couple's relationship at all costs, rather than the goal of stopping the violence.

Lack of support to victims by police officers and law enforcement who may treat violence as a "domestic dispute," instead of a crime where one person is physically attacking another person. 

Often, victims of abuse are arrested and charged by law enforcement even if they are only defending themselves against the batterer.

Dissuasion by police of the victim filing charges. 

Some dismiss or downplay the abuse, side with the abuser, or do not take the victims account of the abuse seriously.

Reluctance by prosecutors to prosecute cases. 

Some may convince the abuser to please to a lesser charge, thus further endangering victims. 

Additionally, judges rarely impose the maximum sentence upon convicted abusers. Probation or a fine is much more common.

Despite the issuing of a restraining order, there is little to prevent a released abuser from returning and repeating abuse.

Despite greater public awareness and the increased availability of housing for victims fleeing violent partners, there are not enough shelters to keep victims safe.

Some religious and cultural practices that stress that divorce is forbidden.

The socialization of some made to believe they are responsible for making their relationship work. 

Failure to maintain the relationship equals failure as a person.

Isolation from friends and families, either by the jealous and possessive abuser, or because they feel "ashamed" of the abuse and try to hide signs of it from the outside world. The isolation contributes to a sense that there is nowhere to turn.

The rationalization of the victim that their abuser's behavior is caused by stress, alcohol, problems at work, unemployment, or other factors.

Societal factors that teach women to believe their identities and feelings of self-worth are contingent upon getting and keeping a man.

Inconsistency of abuse; during non-violent phases, the abuser may fulfill the victim's dream of romantic love. The victim may also rationalize the abuser is basically good until something bad happens and they have to "let off steam." 

Don’t judge the victim (you are not in their situation).

Avoid telling the victim that they need to leave (they already knows that they need to leave but they do not feel they can); instead discuss a safety plan.

Don’t tell the victim that the abuser is a jerk, that you never liked them, etc. (That might drive them away or make her feel she has to defend him.)

Assure the victim you will keep what they tell you confidential.

Ask them what the situation is like for them.

Encourage the victim to document everything that happened, including an accurate account of how they were injured. Suggest that they get medical treatment.

Tell the victim about a local domestic program

Offer her a safe place, if this is realistic, or help them find one.

If it is safe for you to do so, offer to store some emergency things in your home in case they need to leave quickly. 

If the victim leaves the relationship, do not disclose their location, especially to mutual friends or family members of the abuser.

How much experience have you had with cases involving domestic violence? Which party did you represent (the victim, the abuser, or the children)?

Do you generally believe victims who tell you that they have been battered?

Do you go to court with victims wanting to obtain orders of protection against their abused?

How sympathetic to domestic violence are the judges who will hear my case?

What are the laws of this state regarding which parent should be given custody when one parent has abused the other parent? Does the judge(s) who will probably hear my case follow these laws? 

What do they usually recommend?

What do you think about mediation in cases where there has been domestic violence?

Does the expert witness likely to be involved understand the need to protect battered women and children?

What kind of custody and visitation arrangements do they usually recommend in cases involving domestic violence?

Do the judges usually follow their recommendations?

Do you have a working relationship with the local domestic vioence program?

Do you have a working relationship with any batterer intervention program? If so, which one(s)?

How helpful is the prosecutor’s office in handling domestic violence cases?